This is going to be a very ongoing feature, maybe once every two weeks on a Wednesday so get ready for numerous reads on this topic… Also, note that this is a repost from when I first started this blog, but I felt it necessary to repost it since I wasn’t happy or confident about it being up at the time. I hope you enjoy the read and all feedback is positive! Shall we?
A little issue I have found with my weight loss journey so far is that to some people I have now gained a vain persona. That I am constantly checking my appearance such as how my clothes are fitting, my hair and checking myself in mirrors a lot. I sometimes get told I am not as social anymore as I do not want to hang out with people. Sometimes I even get told that I should calm down on my new confidence in myself as it is a bit strong for people and then the exact opposite when I seemingly look for constant affirmation from people and me compare myself to others far too much. I get told that I have done an amazing job with my weight loss, I have lost almost half of what I was a number of years ago. I should be happy and I should be proud and should start being myself finally. This is the thing, I am not happy, I am as far from happy about myself as I could ever admit to these people. Those that know me well will thankfully know this and they are supporting me to improve.
Around work, I have been congratulated on my weight loss by a number of people. I get told that I am looking amazing and doing really well and how proud I should be of myself. I, without fail, look down or away when I say thank you. The majority of the time I will add that there is still a long way to go. They would disagree vehemently, but I am resolute in this opinion. I will expand further in a moment. I have now found these interactions most bizarre, how can these people not see how big I am? Why are they just being polite? I need people to be hard on me with this weight loss, not tell me I am doing so well. I am nowhere near at the point where I want, no need to be. It is confusing and hurtful as I know these people, some very dear friends have no reason whatsoever to lie to me. In my head, I am certain that they are lying to me and that get’s to me a lot.
I am unsure when this all started, I mean, I wear a size 36 trouser and can fit into medium shirt sizes. That is good right? That is a far far cry from the guy who was wearing at least XXL’s and 48″ trousers. I see my new sized trousers and I simply do not know who owns them. These are not mine, in my head I am saying things like “I am not that small, these must have some stretch on them” I may not see myself as that 26 stone (364lb) guy, but I see myself as big and certainly far bigger than what my clothes are letting me believe I am.
In saying that, I seem to have this fixation on wearing slim fit clothing. This is due to when I wear regular fit clothing I see it as looking baggy and making me look far fatter than I am. I am thinking of how my image projects to myself and how I and my clothing looks to other people. Some people may not care, some might think I look stupid, or some might even think I look quite nice. The main theme that runs through my mind is that these innocent people who might not even notice me are looking at me or can’t look at me for how bad I look due to my weight, due to my fat, due to my stomach or chest or whatever. So I wear the slim fit as then the material is not baggy, it is fitted “better”, no one can see my fat as much. Then this brings the double edged sword to me.. Is the shirt now too tight and does it look stupid on me for how fat I am? Is my belly going to force that awkward gap between buttons on my shirt so it can peak out if I eat a little too much that day? This brings constant checking and tucking in of my shirt. Part of me knows that it happens because the shirt is simply riding up, tuck it back in and it’s fine, but constant checks, double, triple, millionth check to make sure everything is fitting okay. That brings up reflections and mirrors, but that is a whole different beast of a problem that I will talk about another time.
Buying new smaller clothes is refreshing, I freely admit it, I get the odd little burst of joy knowing I do not have to flick to the back of that row of clothing on a rack. I do not have to hunt in the darkness way deep at the back for clothing to fit me, as that clothing is also ashamed of itself for being around its skinnier friends. Now, I am happily looking in the middle for the mediums or the 34’s. In these times I occasionally let myself feel like I am average. This is my reward for the hard work I have put in so far to get to this point. To not be ashamed to shop for myself, I would go past the more expensive priced stores and think “I can never go in there, they will look at me and laugh their heads off if I tried to browse for anything my size, this fat nervous looking guy has no reason to be here”. But, when I have now gotten to this place, this point where I am happy to go to my usual haunts for clothes, I still cannot brave myself into venturing to these higher priced shops. It is not like they have a rule of no fatty’s allowed, it is not an issue that I can not fit into their clothing. At worst I would have to go maybe a size up if they were tight fitting material, that is acceptable to me.
Yet I am still unable to put my feet in through those doors. I just can’t, it is simply not in me to do it. It is unbelievably frustrating, I want to go in, see how some clothes fit me, get that ego or mental boost that yes I can wear this super cool suit, or try on that awesome waistcoat. I do not want to buy them online and then find out they do not fit and have to return them. The ignominy of potentially have to post it back or go to the store with it to return is just too much for me. I see some clothes on eBay but I can’t even bid for these items as the pressure in my mind of having these clothes not fit feels like the biggest failure in the world. That if these items did not fit me then my whole weight loss journey has been nothing but a massive failure and a waste of time. I do not feel that in shops I am used to. I can go in and try on clothes in Next and Burton (and even that is only a recent progress) for hours if I could. Yet anything outside of my old comfort range brings me to pieces
I sometimes wish I had some of the clothes I owned when I was at my worst. Just to maybe shock my brain into realising that I have made this difference and that I am this new person and this is my new body. To not be hung up as much on myself, I am progressing well. Maybe to accept the compliments and encouragement from others and not add in that self-deprecating comment about myself. That is something I hope to strive towards, something I will get to. When? I am not sure, it may take more months and years, but I will get there. I have to.
Like I said at the top of this post, this is going to be a regular feature for me as I have so much I feel as if there is a lot more to me to share on the matter. I mean that was over 1200 words and was mostly about wearing clothes. If anyone else who reads this is struggling with something similar I would love feedback on what you have done to try and beat it. I hope it has been informative for everyone, sorry about the length!
Until the next time.