Being okay with not being body positive with yourself: Part 1

Hello everyone! I know a third post about weight loss in a matter of two weeks!! If you missed the previous two I chatted about regaining weight and then what I plan to do to get it all back off again. P.S going well so far 3lbs off! But today is all about body positivity, which I am all for, but I am pretty certain that in my current mind set as an overweight person and even previously as someone who was morbidly obese it just simply isn’t a right fit for me. To fully explain why, I feel I have to break this down into a number of posts, so today’s post is about being uncomfortable at my previous and even my current weight. The next few posts will centre on clothes (which I have brushed upon before) and then also the social or public side of it all. Shall we?

Uncomfortable

This could be a whole blog post topic on its own really and could go on for a number of posts, but I will try and be succinct and keep it to one handy post for all of our sakes. When I say uncomfortable I mean it in a multitude of ways, for example when I am running or exercising in any way, my body feels uncomfortable. At my current weight and really until I got down to around 14 stone I felt lethargic, I was being dragged down by my own weight and I was just… slow. I know I had it in me to go faster, but I just couldn’t due to my weight. I knew I was uncomfortable and trying to improve in my running meant for only 1 thing. To lose more weight.

Also the fact that running and exercising at that weight in general is not good for the old joints. I could feel by body hurting when I was running, my ankles would be quite sore the morning after a run and while I was running my shins would have a bit of a struggle after a little while. The more weight I lost, the easier this was, I remember feeling it less and less and just had achy muscles instead of what felt like achy bones! The pain got so much that there were occasions where I had to stay indoors (well the gym) for some stationary cycling because I didn’t or couldn’t but that much pressure on my joints.

Now I have to say that I am not advocating getting to the low weight of a marathon runner, but I did find getting done to a more comfortable weight was so much better for my body and then in turn my mind as I wasn’t thinking about the potential pain the next day would bring, just for doing something I love. As I am losing the weight again, quite nicely in this first week, I can’t imagine that I will get down to the body shape of a marathon runner, I have no interest in being as light as that, I wasn’t to be a good healthy weight that doesn’t involve my stomach jiggling like mad. Basically 13 stone is the aim and then I can see what is next. But I digress. My body shape alone isn’t made for being ultra-skinny, I am a little too broad shouldered for that, but I can’t stay in this 4 or 5 stone window of that coveted 13 stone marker, it’s too dangerous (for me).

Looking back

Looking back at older pictures of myself I can see how much heavier I really was and I can even notice small things, like how my running style has changed since losing weight. Currently and back then I don’t lift my legs up as much when I run due to knowing how each time I plant my foot I could be hurting something, I look tentative and annoyed at myself. Whereas when I was near my lowest weight there is a mid-run picture of me and you see how everything is different, I have more of a stride, the heel is kicked all the way up. I know this is probably because my stride has improved, but I think that only happened because of weight loss and because I felt I was finally confident in not hurting myself so that I could push harder on each stride. Heavier Scott wouldn’t have dared too and rightly so.

Didn’t help at the gym either

When cycling or rowing in the gym, I would get the same uncomfortableness, my stomach or chest getting in the way of my movement. When I lost 13 stone and went to the gym I truly wondered how I ever coped with being as big as I was and trying to move smoothly, now that I have gained a bit again, I don’t have to wonder, I have to adapt and it is annoying as I know that it isn’t efficient in the slightest. Having to adapt to how I now am even if it will be temporarily isn’t something I should feel. I should be improving, bettering my mind and my body. Whereas for me being at that weight was hindering me greatly.

This even snuck it’s way into the weight room, I would try to do certain moves and just not have the mobility because my own body was getting in the way of me getting the form right. Squats with a weight bar were near on impossible, body weight workouts became a joke as I just couldn’t last a round of 1 circuit before I was too sore. My hamstrings would get tight on the medicine ball squat throws. I would be petrified of something in my body going so that I would be injured, so I lessened it and again, had to adapt. I didn’t like that when it came back again. Moves and sets I could easily do were now far too hard to do.

Also taking into account that it would take me longer to recover as my body just wasn’t used to doing the workouts that I was doing a year prior. I had lost a step and it was infuriating. I thought the gym would be the safe place in all of this. People like me would be there and working out and working hard, but my mind played tricks on me and would tell me that they were working better than me because of my body. It didn’t matter if they were 100’s of lbs heavier than me. They were better, all body positivity I could have when I was that big and especially now sine I regained weight is gone. Change isn’t my enemy, it is my future.

That is all from me today and I really do want to reiterate that I am all for people being body positive and feeling confident in whatever body shape or whatever weight they are currently at, but I struggled/struggle with that from the viewpoint of myself I hope I haven’t insulted anyone as this is all purely personal and the other posts on the topic will be as well.

If you want to chat more about any of my posts, please follow me on TwitterInstagram and Facebook to also receive updates. Until next time, thanks for reading and I hope to see you again soon!

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