Why I have an irrational hatred towards umbrellas

This could quite possibly be the stupidest thing I write in 2018 and if you have read my other posts this year, that is quite the statement. Umbrellas are stupid and I hate them. I have many reasons and I will get into it quite soon, so grab a cup of something and settle in for a bit of nonsense. By the way I am 100% serious in this post. This just isn’t a little joke post; I really, really dislike umbrellas. Let’s break down what I hate about them shall we?

The stupid massive ones

If you are a lone person walking through the city centre with the umbrella covering the same amount of land as Russia then you and I have an issue. What in all that is holy are you doing with an umbrella that big? It is just you holding the bloody thing and you are taking up the entire space of the pavement to fit you and your broken parachute. Other people would like to walk past and get on with their day instead of having the fear of being hit from across the road by your umbrella.

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At least share the damn thing! I wouldn’t mind too much if it was two or more people sharing it. That makes a bit of sense. I think these umbrellas were for people playing golf. Now when people play golf they usually play with more than one person, so they get to share the umbrella and stay dry. But you Mr or Mrs in your fancy work clothes do not need that umbrella, your trousers and shoes are wet from the rain anyway. Why? You might ask me. Well, put simply it is because we live in Northern Ireland and rain doesn’t just fall vertically, it also somehow hits you horizontally. Now go get a normal sized one until your family can share that big one.

Trying to use a broken one

Are these people just masochists? On my way to work, I see people’s umbrellas broken into so many different directions, but they are still using it and it is done. I mean sometimes it is literally hitting them in the face, but on they go. Perseverance at it’s finest. I understand that they are probably just trying to keep it until work before they dump it. But come on your face and pride is worth more than this bloody umbrella. Get the hood up and walk it!

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Dumping them in bins

If it is a slightly rainy and blustery day then that means your umbrella is well and truly buggered. It doesn’t stand a chance and you have to live with the fact that this contraption that is designed to withstand some wind and rain simply cannot because it is useless. Also, if it is broken, please try to close the thing before you ram it into the bin. I hate seeing these things just dumped as is into the bin with no consideration to those who actually want to use the bin. So I plead with you, throw your Primark umbrella in the bin sure, but close it up and make it as small as possible as you do so.

 

Not lifting it higher when you are in a crowded area

Listen, not everyone in this world is 4 foot 10. You and your umbrella are a hazard to my eyes and I would very much like to keep my eyes. So please, from one human to another, if others are walking around you, raise it up a little so that passers-by can get through their day without having to pretend they are fighting Mike Tyson and dodging his punches with some top-notch weaving. I have a bit of respect for those that lift theirs and surprise, surprise; they are considerate people and were taught to respect others. Do the same. Also while I am here, let me just comment, if you have an umbrella, it is generally smart to stand in the middle of it, not to the side (if you are a lone user). Having just your arm in the middle kind of takes the point of it away when one side of you gets wet. You idiot! Sorry…

Putting your umbrella up when the teeny tiniest drips of rain falls on the ground

Oh no, there might be some rain, how will I ever cope!?! Quick get the umbrella and stop immediately without giving the people behind me any notice so they have to use quick reflexes to dodge me. But if they accidentally bump into me I will give them my finest sneer for disturbing my precious ecosystem of nonsense.

Putting your umbrella up when it is not even spitting rain or when the rain is blatantly gone is not on. Stop that umbrella user. This isn’t a game on who can get their umbrella up first or who can keep it up the longest. Use it when it is necessary, your hair, makeup, suit, newly trimmed beard, whatever. It will cope with a few drops until you are sure the rain is actually coming until then, use the hood connected to your coat and prepare to use that until the actual rain arrives. Trust me, you are not the Wicked witch, you won’t melt in the rain if some of it hits you.

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I could literally do this to my street if I had kept all the lost property umbrellas.

Forgetting them

I used to work in a cinema and I can tell you for a fact that if I was worried about my walk home and had to use one of those horrid things, then I would just go to the lost property section and nab one that had been left 5 years prior. Why or how could you forget your massive umbrella that is 3 foot long?! You were only sitting down for a couple of hours!! I am pretty sure that people who work in theatre, restaurants and cinemas could open up pretty good shops in selling umbrellas, scarfs and gloves. Luckily for us after a certain amount of time we just send them to the charity shops and then some good will come out of your forgetfulness. But seriously, stop forgetting them, I mean when you leave the place you just were and it is STILL raining hard, did you not think, “oh how did I get here before all nice and dry?” No you never ever come back to collect that umbrella and we were left with holding it in a certain place for 6 months in case you happened to come back to collect it.

Right, I think I have got that out of my system! Is there anything that you irrational hate or dislike, let me know below! Until next time!

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One thought on “Why I have an irrational hatred towards umbrellas

Add yours

  1. Haha, I had such a great laugh reading this! I’m from Vancouver, Canada where it rains a lot and I can’t stand umbrellas either. I absolutely hate it when people use those HUGE umbrellas; those who don’t raise them in crowded places; and those that already use an umbrella but still decide to take up room in an undercover area.

    Liked by 1 person

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