A while ago I wrote about losing weight and how it was affecting my mental health. You can find those posts HERE HERE HERE. I thought that although I had gained weight again over the last two years that I had it all under control, this weekend someone well and truly clicked into my head and the mere idea and process of walking in the City Centre in my shorts and t-shirt (Victoria and I had just finished yoga) became a nightmare for me.
First off, I know I have gained weight and although I have been losing it slowly (very slowly) it is something that I am aware of. I mean it is fairly obvious… But last time I was a little bit in denial about it and I tried to blame it on other things. This time not so much and I am actively trying to counteract all of what I did for the better. But first, I feel it is best to talk about what I am feeling and what is currently going on in that silly noggin of mine.
I know I look big even in my normal chinos and shirt. But it wasn’t really until last week where I realised HOW big I looked in my running/exercise clothes. I guess the chinos and belts etc. were concealing the flab a bit better than I hoped. I remember looking at the mirror in my house as Victoria and I were leaving for a workout one day and I saw my gut and my heart sank so far down into the ground. It dawned on me the work I had to do, but also what I had done to myself over those past years. I had gotten to such a good place physically (mentally I was starting to get there) and then I let it all go. I only have myself to blame though, so don’t worry this isn’t a pity party.
Anyway, on Saturday we had a few tasks that needed to be done and the best place to do those was in town. I thought it was best to get them done right after yoga and internally I am sure somewhere in my brain it was shouting “NO!” Alas we went out into town and I kept seeing myself in shop windows and the gut sucking commenced. I was so frustrated with myself that I was letting it get to me. It wasn’t how it was a few years ago where I did not understand why I was doing what I was doing. This time I knew why and I wasn’t pleased that I was doing it. We would go into shops and pass mirrors and I would quickly see how I looked, see it was an image I absolutely hated and ran from it and dodge mirrors for the rest of the time in the shop.
I think Victoria was annoyed a little with me as it seemed like I didn’t want to be in town (she likes a wee browse in her favourite style of shops) but I like doing that as I go on my phone and check on my fantasy football etc. I was grumpy looking mainly because I was so self-conscious about being seen in public and especially seen by people who know me and how they will think how terrible I look. They may not say it, but I know they will think it and then say it to others…
I have begun hiding again in pictures
For a while I loved being in pictures, I would be in there posing away with that daft little smirk that I do (it’s my pose okay! Don’t judge me, because it works! *puts on sunglasses as The Who play*) Anyway, I have found that Victoria and I have a little pose after our runs or if we are out and I am finding that I am trying to hide further and further behind her so my body isn’t really visible to the camera. I see Victoria move a little to get me more into the frame, but I always try and hide away and again, it is so damn frustrating that I have resorted to that again. I hate being in pictures and if I can get away with it I will not be in one.
This is annoying as when I come to think of it when Victoria and I were in New York and Toronto on our holiday in March, there are not too many pictures of me hanging around. Loads of landmarks (obviously) and a tonne of Victoria posing away (she cute) but none of me. I got one of Victoria outside the Friends building and we walked down to the Ghostbusters fire station and she asked if I wanted a picture outside of it and I declined, because I knew how I looked and I didn’t want to see that picture of having a memory of that picture of that time we were in New York.
It was almost as if I wanted to have this fake memory of our time there and that I wasn’t as big as I was and because there are no images of how big I was (other than me hiding behind Victoria) anyone who asks to see the pictures or any pictures hanging about won’t have me at that/this stage in my life. I know I will lose the weight and get back on track with how I feel about my body, but I don’t want the memories of it. Hell, the worst pictures of how I looked are either in blog posts here or in my sisters’ Facebook. I almost refuse to have the images on my own social media, because I don’t want the memories of it and that is disappointing to me.
One thing that has gotten to me a lot that I know Victoria has noticed is that my mood has dropped a bit more than usual. I always have that grumpy cynical side, but lately, it has come out more and after writing all of this, it is a bit obvious as to why… Sadly I can’t help that and I know I cover it up to the best of my abilities, however, with Victoria now moved in with me (read about that from her side here and from me soon!) I have no place to hide my grumpiness as I can’t show it at work.
Important to note that I am okay
It is important to say this, I am not going to go down a terrible rabbit hole. I am okay because I feel aware of my current situation and because I have gone through this before I feel better about it as I know I can get around this and defeat this demon. I know people struggle a lot more and they should get and reach out for help that they need. For now, I am okay and I even know what I am going to do about it to help get myself back on track.
Thanks for reading today, I really appreciate it, come back for what my next steps are. I will, of course, have it linked here when it is up. Until next time.