Tales of the cinema from an ex employee

Working in a retail/entertainment sector is not easy and working in a cinema can be even more trying to your mind, body and soul. My last cinema job was nice, so I won’t mention anything from that one… Yet, but I thought it would be fun to share some stories from my time working for mainstream cinema chains in the UK. So if you are interested on some things that have happened within a cinema, then keep reading! I hope to make this a little series and try to get a theme completed once a week, enjoy!

A cinema is not a hotel room

Listen, let’s get this one out of the way as quickly as we can. People are known to get… Let’s say “close” when watching a movie. I mean Netflix and Chill exists for a reason, but never until I started working in a cinema did I think [Enter name of a cinema here] and chill also existed! Ohhhhhh boy does it!

“What? Scott you are just saying this to make your blog post interesting! People just have a little make out session in the cinema and that’s it, don’t be silly and try and exaggerate things boyo!” Oh I wish this was true, I really do. Yes teenagers (and older) are known to get like that in a film. It’s dark, you are in the back row, you are cuddling and then kissing! It’s almost expected. What isn’t expected is to be standing at the ticket station and to glance at the CCTV cameras in the screens in the middle of the afternoon (yes cinemas have that and we see EVERYTHING. Picking your nose? See it. Yawning? See it. Going for a little snooze? Definitely seen it) and see a woman in her 40’s bent over a seat as her partner thrusts away behind her.

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You have questions… I understand, let me try and answer them for you.

1. I assume both parties wanted to keep watching the film, maybe it had gotten engrossing right before they started.
2. I didn’t go to them, I left that to my manager at the time… Poor girl did not want to go near them.
3. Yes there were other people in the screen at the time, but they were closer to the front.
4. They tried to pretend they weren’t doing anything and kept that story all the way to the exit after they were told to leave.

Was this the only time something like that happened? Nope, but it was one of the worst… Most of the time it is just guests getting a bit too handsy with each other. Though almost always this was teenagers on a Sunday afternoon/evening. You never get used to having to go up the steps to the amorous couple and inform them that we can see what they are doing and if they would please stop and just watch the film. You would get asked, ‘How do you know?’ we would respond with ‘We have cameras’ they immediately separate as if the other has the black plague and then look around for where the cameras are. Which is weird to me as in those cinemas that I worked in, there is a massive monitor clearly showing all of the CCTV footage within the screen that the customers can see as they get their tickets checked. But alas our couples are just too interested in each other’s faces and bodies to care.

I shall leave you on one last story to fully weird you out. One time I was cleaning the screen after a sold out showing and it had the usual popcorn mess that a sold out show would have… I get to the front row and I see something unusual on the ground. I get closer and squint a little as it is still a little dark. Then I realise, I know what this is. It’s a condom, a used one at that and then all of the horror hits my soul and I feel a little humanity leave the Earth.

Why did this happen in this busy show!? Did anyone see?!? And why in the name of all that is Holy did someone either have sex or masturbate to The Golden Compass!? There were children in here! No! That was how I STARTED my work day! What was going to come now!? Bunch of animals.

Totally a sexy film… Gotta love the bodies of them polar bears….

As I said at the start, I hope to make this a little series as I think it is a good bit of fun. Until next time.

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